5/20/23
First Time Doing Ketamine
Started at around 7-8pm. 50mg IV. About 2 hours earlier had eaten a quarter of a Jersey Mike’s sub (classic 13, Mike’s Way plus jalapeños). I was sitting on hardwood floor, and the background is playing the movie Perfect Blue.

Almost immediately after receiving, had sensation of time stuttering, like a CD skipping and then me being sucked backwards and away from reality.

I had about a 10 minute gap of time where I don’t remember much of anything that actually happened. I have faint memories of portions of the movie, namely a crowd of people that included one grotesque looking man, and then another scene where a woman is on stage and being groped by audience members. The most salient feeling was of being far away and alone. I felt as if I was in MarioKart 64, the rainbow road level and the movie’s scenes were superimposed on the road, and I’m watching it from afar as a kind of non-existing speck in space. It felt extremely lonely. At times I could feel myself trying to place who I was and how I got here, and I had vague memories of my roommate, and living with my previous roommate but it felt foreign. It felt like I was remembering someone else’s dream.
Just wanted to reiterate how alone and sad it all felt. I remarked at the time that I used to think I had been depressed, but the feeling I had then must be what true depression can feel like.

After about 10 minutes, I can recall asking my friend how long it had been (apparently I had done that previously over the initial 10 minutes as well). Per him, I never lost consciousness and continued to talk normally. Felt nauseous, I think due to the room spinning. Tipsy sensation, didn’t feel steady. Threw up in the trash bag supplied by sober friend. Time went slow and then it normalized.

Gradually, returned to normal over the course of about 3-4 hours.
Music sounded better than normal. Shed a tear hearing the song ‘Carina.’ I remember my ex would sometimes text in the middle of the night when she was doing drugs out partying saying that she really liked me, and I was tempted to do the same. Music sounded more normal by the end of the night.

Felt happier the following 1-2 days at least. Seemed to enjoy feeling the wind more, walking and looking at trees.

Overall Impressions:
Suspect that I experienced a K-hole.
Next time will not do on full stomach.
Will take an anti-emetic next time?
Will take a lower dose, most likely.
8/10 experience, would do again.

7/16/23
IM 25mg ketamine after taking some amount of mushrooms.
Onset within about 3 minutes, no dissociation.
Noticeably room spinning / unsteady, but otherwise very little other effects.
Resolved within about an hour.
Nausea much better with aprepitant and ondansetron, both PO.

7/29/23
IV 20mg x 2, took ondansetron 4mg IV ahead of time.
Much less nausea.
Onset relatively quick, did dissociate briefly though not as intensely as the first time with 30mg.
Reportedly out for about 5 minutes, maybe.
Similar sensations during onset of visual and auditory record-skipping, slowing.
Dissociation was similar in that you feel unlike yourself or anyone, trying to remember who you are / how you got here and it feels unfamiliar.
Less feeling of fear, I think because of lower dose and also because I think in the back of your head you know that things are okay.

1/6/24
First Time Trying NMDA
150mg followed by 50mg after 4 hours.

Took it with a friend.

About 30-40 minutes, began to see visual changes first. Christmas lights began to look different, they way lights look when blurry or when your eyes water. We watched the show Blue Eyed Samurai and the falling snow looked like it was blinking.
When we rustled the bed sheets, they would float down gently, like gas deflating. We had moving lights projected on the ceilings and the reflections in the window made it seem like they were in the clouds outside. The ceiling itself looked soft and hazy as if it was clouds too.

The first song we played was a cover of Like a Hurricane by Neil Young that only had the instrumental portion. It was nice but I would’ve liked to listen to the original. The 2nd song was Tunnel of Love by Dire Straits, and I started crying but I wasn’t sad. It felt like I wasn’t able to feel sad.
Other songs: Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers, various songs by The Strokes, Eyes Without a Face by Billy Idol, Total Control by The Motels, Luv Sic part 2 by Nujabes.

We smoked a cigarette. Drank blue gatorade that tasted blue. Snorted some mint oil.

Kissing felt nicer and softer. We did nytimes 35 questions.

Update 1/14/24:
Feels hazy to remember some of the details well in terms of matching things I said/ was told to what was going on at the time. Like I can remember what the conversations but not what we were doing or how we were positioned when they occurred. I said some extremely personal things. Things that my other friends know, but not one person knows all the things, and I suppose now one person does. Don’t want put the personal things she said to me here, but I wrote them down so I don’t forget elsewhere. Looking back now, having shared those things, I feel like a more open person. I think also hearing things that were kind to me, has helped me feel better now.

Showered and went to bed after about 7 hours.

Overall:
10/10, a lot of which was because of who I spent it with

Next time:
Listen to the original version of Like a Hurricane
Listen to Love is a Long Road
Get some Vick’s Vapor Rub
Have more drinks

1/13/24
Ketamine again.
25mg IV. With ondansetron. Felt most similar to first time, but a lesser degree of dissociation. Felt the original sense of fear and loneliness of not knowing if anything was real and whether any of it exists. But was brief. Wore off in about slightly more than the duration of Dire Straits’ Tunnel of Love. Had to keep eyes closed to avoid dizziness/ nausea.
Don’t think music sounded better, if anything it sounded quieter, like it was playing from farther away.
Next time would take ondansetron full up front ± aprepitant.
Would do closer to 50. 25 didn’t seem enough. Not particularly pleasant aftermath though, trying to move with the dizziness.

10/2024
Ketamine.
50mg IV. Preceded with ondansetron and aprepitant.
Watched Matrix. Dissociated with sense that nothing is real. Felt less scary than first time. Didn’t feel relief when returning from void. Maybe because void was less scary or because real life was more depressing than usual at the time.
Noise of being sucked into void is like air conditioner rattling.
Imagery is of multiple images stacked together.
Vague nausea for days after.
Overall, it was terrible!